I have a hard time passing by the clothing section lately. I enjoy buying new clothes, a lot, but being on a budget doesn't really allow for it. I used to be frustrated with the lack of funds, but I have come to realize it's a good thing for me :)
I am tempted to, and do purchase more clothing the more insecure I am with myself. When I am content with my body and with who I am, I hardly glance at clothing (make up, shoes, etc). I'm sure I'm not the only woman who feels this way.
Pregnancy can be an especially hard time for me. I go through weeks where I could wear sweatpants and t-shirts all day, because I can acknowledge that this is only a stage in life, and that towards the end of my pregnancy I will loathe all my maternity clothes anyway. Why bother dressing "cute" and spending money on clothes that will only fit for a few months?
But then there are days where I just want to feel like myself, and that those few months left seem like forever. I have gained more weight then I did with my other two pregnancies, so most days I just feel huge. I read somewhere today that in the 3rd trimester, most women gain an average of 11lbs. ELEVEN more? Yikes.
It's hard to step back from the mirror, walk away, and tell yourself that it's all worth it. With my other two pregnancies, I didn't realize how much I had gained until I lost it all. Then I could see it in pictures. But this time I feel it and I see it.
I can tell myself to stop counting pounds, and that only in America do we care so much about this. I can try to convince myself that I'll lose it fast... blah, blah, blah.
But, I can step back and look into the faces of my two precious children and know that every pound I gain, although not necessary, is completely and 100% worth it. I have two wonderfully healthy children, who I wouldn't trade for a thin body any day. I am blessed to have healthy pregnancies and give birth to healthy babies.
It's hard when something encompasses so much of your life. Pregnancy is one of those times. My mind starts preparing for the next few months ahead, and all that entails. What will this baby look like? What should we name him? I need to wash baby clothes. Where the baby will sleep?What do I want accomplished? What can I let go of?
I have a hard time focusing on life and vision for the next few months when it seems as though life is going to look NOTHING like I have planned. I think that's probably why it's hard for me to snap out of my "hugeness" mindset, and realize my identity is not in how I look.
I don't want that in my mind at all. I want to focus on the heart of God for my children, and how He desires me to parent and love them. I want to deepen and grow my marriage. I want to be able to look outside my selfish mindset and find vision for my life and the world around me now.
How foolish it feels to spend even a minute staring in disgust in a mirror. It's a struggle in all area's to keep focused and press on. But that's my prayer, and that's what's been on my mind since my trip to the store with the kids this morning. I so badly desire to not even think twice as I pass a mirror, (and maybe to not go clothing shopping ), or when I feel like I'm a failure as a mom, wife, human (ha), but to press on and walk in the grace of God daily.