Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My Boys

Today I was thinking about how blessed I am. That feeling of knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be and feeling peace with it. In the midst of endless laundry, diaper changes, cleaning up vomit, and answering endless questions from a certain 3 year old, I have never felt so much gratitude for where I am in life right now.

I have been staring at Jude a lot lately. Holding him close and looking into his beautiful eyes. I can't believe my baby is 3 months old. Time is flying by. I want him to stay small forever. I tell Joel I'm not sure I'm ready to say he's our last "home grown," baby because I just love babies so much.

Today while I was cuddling him and he was giving me the most precious smiles, I thought about life 20+ years down the road. Will he still look at me like I'm one of his favorite people? Will he still be excited to see me?

I always get choked up at weddings during the mother/son dance. I picture dancing with my boys. That feeling of wanting your sons to still love you. Right now, I'm their mommy. They need me and look up to me. I get terrified that through the preteen/teen years that I will become someone they no longer respect and love. I can't put it in to words, but if you know someone who's boys still adore their mothers, you know what I mean.

One of my mentors has sons who are like this. I see it in their eyes when they are around her. It's something so special shared between them. I'm sure they have had their own battles, but there is something so wonderful with her and her boys. I pray for that with our boys.

At a friends wedding recently, her father read a list of things he remembers from her child hood. With each thing he read, it made me think of all the little things my kids do and say. It brought me to tears and every time later on that week I thought of the beautiful things he said, tears would well up in my eyes. One thing that really stood out to me was, "Everyone told me this would go fast, but you don't believe it until you're here. At your daughters wedding."

It's frightening how fast life goes. My prayer is that I remain open to understanding the Lords desire for our children. That I am open to being broken and humbled by His love and His grace for me, and that I can show the same grace to my children. I pray that He preserves the love between our children and us. That there is protection through the difficulties life brings. That I'll be more than just someone who upholds the "law" and order in a home, but who is my kids biggest encourager. Who pushes them to dream big, love hard and to show forgiveness. To walk in confidence that they are loved by not only their parents, but the Lord. I pray that I'll be able to let go and allow them to walk into their calling with confidence that they are loved.

Oh this journey of motherhood is far harder than I could have ever imagined. But equally more wonderful too!

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